Awake.In:::DreamSpace:::

This quote from "Grey's Anatomy" sums up what grief is all about...

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone.

It isn't just death we have to grieve. It's life. It's loss. It's change.

And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime.

That's how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can't breathe, that's how you survive.

By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won't feel this way. It won't hurt this much.

Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way.

So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty.

The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can't control it.

The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes.

And let it go when we can.

The very worst part is that the minute you think you're past it, it starts all over again.

And always, every time, it takes your breath away.

There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.

Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance.

For me...

the denial was knowing Tika was slipping away these past weeks... yet... I kept believing she was just getting older and slowing down...

there wasn't any anger... she lived a good long life... I'm grateful I was there when she tried to get up and her legs were slipping under her... I was able to gently lay her on the floor... I held her and she looked up at me and was still wagging her tail... she could have gone then, she was saying goodbye to me... but I asked her not to...

the bargaining was... please don't leave me this moment...she rallied and got up... she was able to go for a final car ride to the vet... where we found out that the cancer was widespread throughout her... She wasn't in pain... just very tired... I held her and I felt the power of her spirit go through me before she left...

now... there is depression... the emptiness... the unbearable pain of loss... the finality of her life...

Acceptance is the hardest part... all life is transient... nothing is forever... the moments we have right now are all we have... I try to live that way... I cherished every moment of the time Tika and I shared the road... her love and affection brought so much joy and happiness into my life.  No matter what... she was always there for me... and I was there for her.

Woke up a half hour ago... Oh my... the storm is still in full swing out here... The snow is swirling and stacked out there.  Looks like it didn't stop all night... The tulips in the vase on the coffee table with the snow covered patio view from the sliding glass doors outside as a backdrop is an interesting juxtaposition of Seasonal Ying and Yang.

Tika is presently curled up on the couch and has no interest in venturing outside... she insisted on a walk last night when I got home from work... Tika was prancing and braving the storm all bundled up in her coat... BTW... it was a quick walk!

Well, the universe can continue shaking the snow globe... I'm off today... I'm happy to enjoy a snowbound day while just being on my couch.  I'm sure Tika will get adventurous shortly and well, the patio will need to be shoveled... hmm... coffee... yes, coffee first...

Me... gazing into a black light.

I have always wanted a black light but have never had the space to place it in... let's face it, a black light isn't practical, doesn't illuminate realistically, but hey, they are really cool... and you know you want one too... So, I put one in the little hallway that leads to my tiny bathroom from the bedroom.  It gives off enough light to brighten the way with a very nice ambiance.

If you come visit me, wear white at night so you can glow in the hallway :)

When I last lived in Freeport 1990-2003, I had built 2 ponds in the backyard, which I loved.  I took obsessive care of them and the water was always crystal clear.  I didn't have fancy koi, but I had amazingly beautiful comets... yeah, the simple goldfish...they started out small and the joy was watching them grow and thrive.  I have missed those ponds very much. 

Now living on a Freeport canal, it is like having my ponds back... but hey, I never had late light swan visitors in the yard...  very cool, very special, very natural... nice.

Another lazy quiet day for me.  The tide was high and while sitting on my couch I saw these 2 swans paddling by.  I got the camera and quickly snapped this pic.  As soon as they saw me they stopped and headed for the dock...I did not provide any handouts...trying to keep wild things wild.